The Search for Healing

There is one thing that I never understood. If God has the power to heal me, why hasn’t He?

God, you said that if I had faith so small as a mustard seed, I could move mountains. Surely, I have more faith than that! So why won’t you heal me?

I can’t tell you how many times I pleaded with God to remove my sickness. How many times I begged Him to just take it all away, to at least let me find a medication that brought relief!

So why wouldn’t He?

When I first started developing Intracranial Hypertension, I was filled with nothing but anger and bitterness at what had happened to me. My health was falling apart because of a medical mistake, and I wanted the hospital to pay for what they did.

But instead, I only became more sick. When I eventually accepted that there was nothing I could do about what happened, and nothing any man could do to fix it, I went to God. After all, He created me, so He would have to be the one to restore my body again.

I began to seek Him more. I began to play worship music when I was hurting to help open doors for healing. I tried to tell Him I would praise Him even when it hurt.

But the question was, would I praise Him even when it didn’t hurt? Would I still need Him, even when I didn’t really need Him?

Unfortunately not.

Every day without pain, I was back to my old ways. Like the nine lepers, I never returned to thank Him.

So I became more sick.

Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

– 2 Corinthians 4:16

I then changed my prayer to asking God why I was sick to begin with. Why did He allow this to happen? Was it punishment for something I had done? Was there some sort of purpose behind it?

Meanwhile, the more I drew closer to God, the more I saw His power. The more I saw the strength and endurance He could give me.

I slowly began to see the good. If being sick was what grew my relationship with Christ, then maybe I wanted to stay sick. But this became a battle in my mind. I was in so much pain. Even though He continually renewed my strength, how could I live this way?

I needed to learn balance. I needed to learn to seek Him regardless of how I was feeling.

But this couldn’t happen overnight. This would take time, maybe even the rest of my life. But like the song, I had to want the Healer more than the healing.

After several months, I began to feel more secure in my walk with God. But physically, I felt no better. I began to think that maybe sometimes God didn’t want people healed. I was willing to accept that as my fate.

But that is not what the Scripture says.

The scripture says, “by His stripes, I am healed.” I had to stop claiming sickness upon my life.

What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them. – Matthew 15:11

I had to make healing the only thought in my mind. That is what I had to speak over myself and to others. I am healed. I am healed. I am healed.

Three words sounds so simple to say, but let me tell you they are not.

People would ask me how I had been. Immediately, those three words came to mind. It was what I had trained myself to say. But I didn’t say them. Instead, I told them about the symptoms I had been having. I told them about having good days and bad. I told them we were still trying to figure things out.

And because there is power in our words, I stayed sick.

One day, I finally managed to get the words out to someone. I am healed. The woman was immediately so happy for me. But I was not happy. I felt I had lied. I wanted them to know the truth. I was really still sick.

The problem at that moment was I did not have the faith in my mind to back up the words that I spoke. I did not have the faith of a mustard seed that I thought I did.

I had to find the truth behind the words that I needed to speak. I studied them in and out. What did they even mean?

And by His stripes we are healed. – Isaiah 53:5

Christ suffered for this exact pain I was in. Christ paid for my sickness with His own life. He knew what I would go through. He knew what sins I would commit against Him that would only embed the nails deeper, yet He still died for me so that I might be saved and made whole.

The Scripture does not say “I will be healed”. It says, “I am healed.” But if Christ said I already am healed, then why do I still feel sick?

Understand that time is man-made. God has no perception of time. My present to Him is no different than my future when I am in Heaven with Him. And in Heaven, I am healed. So to Him now, I am healed. I may not feel it in this body. I may not feel it on this earth or in this sense of time. But in Heaven, there is no sickness, no pain, and no tears. That day is coming for me, and to God, it is already here. Therefore, His words are true. I am healed.

When I could finally grasp that fact, I could finally accept the words I was supposed to say. I could finally say them with sincere belief that they were true. And I could feel their power the more I believed them with absolute faith.

At this point of understanding, I no longer even cared about seeing my body healed. Faith is believing without seeing. That is the faith of a mustard seed.

But one thing still remained, what was God’s purpose for me ever getting sick to begin with?

Click here to find out!