Embracing the Thorn in My Flesh

Sunday morning. 9:30 am. My shoulder is hurting so badly that I can’t even touch up the paint on my nails without feeling the pain shoot down my arm.

I think to myself that it will be another Sunday where I’m once again just the girl who needs a healing. I wonder when the day will come that I will be able to go to church for the same reason any “normal” person goes.

Worship begins. I alternate hands between praising God and holding onto the chair in front of me until I know my balance can be trusted.

Focus. Focus on God. It seems I pray that more than anything these days.

Where Did My Healing Go?

But in truth, my mind seems to be on a constant rerun of these past few years. I’ve replayed my case of medical malpractice and gaslighting in my mind more times than I could count.

I’ve gone through cycle after cycle of relapse and remission, good days and bad, treatment successes and then failures. Healing and then, well, here we are again. Hurting.

And then this past year especially, I’m reminded of how out of place I feel. Where do I belong? Am I healed? Or am I healing?

I fight with my mind on whether or not I even want to be healed or if I’m just trying to drag this out as long as I can. But who in their right mind would ask for this?

The pain in my shoulder lingers through all of worship as a constant reminder that things aren’t right. Yet I’m present and functioning, so clearly I must be fine.

But it’s OK. Because the lyrics always remind me of how I used to spend Sunday’s in bed or in the hospital, yet now I am here – how far God has brought me.

And that is when it clicks: the pain, this thorn in my flesh – it is my sign.

My mind is immediately drawn both to Paul and then to the Israelites: “It shall be as a sign…”

 “It shall be as a sign to you on your hand and as a memorial between your eyes, that the Lord’s law may be in your mouth; for with a strong hand the Lord has brought you out of Egypt.” – Exodus 13:9

After God brought the Israelites out of Egypt, He spoke to Moses all that He wanted the them to know. One of the most important things He wanted to make clear was that He brought them out of Egypt. He redeemed them from their bondage, and He was leading them to their Promised Land. He was the miracle worker and the one true God. He didn’t want them to ever forget all He had done for them. So much so that He said it would be as a sign on their hands and between their eyes.

Stop for a moment and think about how many times you see your reflection in a day. How many times a day do you look at your hand? We probably couldn’t even count. But this is how often God wanted them to remember His marvelous works.

If our bodies could only be marked to remind and reveal who God is and all He does!

But what if they already are? What if every time you felt pain, you were reminded of where you once were and how far you came?

My mind then went back to Paul and the thorn in His flesh. Who else demonstrated better than Paul what it means to suffer for Christ’s glory?

 “And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.” – 2 Corinthians 12:7

We all have our speculations on what Paul’s thorn was, but no one really knows for sure. Yet we understand the basic message to be Paul expressing his reason for staying humble.

This particular Sunday however, I had a different revelation of it. For the first time in my life, I saw this thorn not as a sin or an infirmity, but as a thorn that I can actually embrace: a remembrance. A sign.

My pain, this thorn in my flesh, is my reminder. This is not just my humility but the sign on my forehead. This is so I will never forget what God brought me through and redeemed me from, so I will never forget Who God is.

Paul asked three times for his thorn to be removed, and we never see that it was. However, we do see God’s response: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

This does not mean we have to accept a life of pain. We know Jesus sacrificed Himself for our ultimate healing. But if this is the path He has chosen for us so that His power, His miracles, His glory, and His redemption can be revealed, then let us respond as Paul and gladly boast! Let us take pleasure in our infirmities and weaknesses. For when we are weak, He makes us strong.

And may that strength be what shines brighter than our infirmities as the sign upon our hands and forehands. Whether God ever removes the pain of our thorn here on earth or not, let His sign, the remembrance of who He is and all He has done, always remain.