Not by Sight

Oddly enough, Intracranial Hypertension supposedly can’t kill you.

But *spoiler alert* it can make you go blind.

When spinal fluid pressure begins to build, there aren’t very many places it can go. This leaves it to push on anything it possibly can, including the optic nerves of your eyes.

This type of trauma to the optic nerves causes them to swell, leading to a condition known as papilledema. If left untreated, your vision typically only worsens with the possibility of eventually (or even suddenly) going blind.

But God told me I would never go blind.

He will come and save you. Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, – Isaiah 35:4-5

February 2018. I kneeled in the shower as I cried out to God for relief. I had just gotten out of the hospital. I was still on steroids and other medications. And I was still in pain.

I prayed to God over my sickness. I expressed my fears and concerns. I didn’t want to miss my son’s life because of all this. I didn’t want to be crippled or go blind.

And that is when God spoke. He told me I would not lose my sight from this. I would see until the day I died.

Still, the pain continued into March.

One day in particular, it felt as if a knife was stabbing the side of my head from morning till night. I couldn’t even get out of bed.

Unable to do much else, I began listening to a sermon online about Paul’s acceptance of Christ. Jesus had met this persecutor of Jews on the road and struck him completely blind. Within days however, Paul became saved, baptized in the Holy Spirit, and had his vision restored. He then went about as one of the greatest apostles of all time.

My medications kicked in by the end of the sermon, but the stabbing pain continued through the night.

Then all of a sudden, it stopped. It was finally over.

As I woke up to check the time, I noticed something didn’t seem right. The numbers were missing on the clock. I made my way to the bathroom only to find that the labels were missing on the shampoo bottles. Something was terribly wrong.

On the same side that the stabbing pain had been, I discovered a blind spot over my left eye.

No! No, Jesus! You said I wouldn’t go blind from this! You said I would see until the day I died!

I tried to rebuke all thoughts of fear as I woke up my husband and told him what was happening.

We stuck together. We formed our barricade against the enemy, and right there before the sun had even come up, we began to pray.

 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face:

now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

– 1 Corinthians 13:12

The doctors had told me that I could lose my vision from this, but we were standing on God’s spoken promise to me: I would see until the day I died.

I was in no pain when I called the hospital. I was in no pain as we made our way to the ER. But I was still unable to see anything as its true, full image.

I knew this was nothing but a lie from the enemy. He had heard the same sermon we listened to that night. He heard the story of Paul losing his vision, and he wanted to turn that testimony into nothing but fear and doubt for me.

But I refused to listen. He could scream his lies in my face, but I would only sing louder.

As we walked through the hospital corridors, I sang my anthem of praise out loud.

“We Won’t Be Quiet” by David Crowder Band. I was ready to shout it from the rooftops. I wasn’t going to stay quiet!

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. – James 4:7

I stayed in the hospital three days, determined to fight with faith. During that time, the lost space in my vision slowly began to come together into a pinched, distorted image.

My ophthalmologist determined the issue to be a fluid pocket in my eye as opposed to papilledema. Called “Central Serous”, it was deemed harmless and would go away in time. Thankfully, it did.

In fact, papilledema never became a severe issue for me at all. When I asked why I had been spared, my doctor explained that some people just have stronger optic nerves that can withstand the high amounts of pressure.

My God was right. I would not go blind from this. And it was His strength in me that was helping me  withstand the enemy’s attacks.

I think Paul truly said it best, “For we walk by faith, not by sight.” (II Corinthians 5:7)

I was tested both literally and spiritually in a situation where I could not see. I didn’t know the outcome, but I had faith that God did. I had faith that God would fulfill His promise. And I will continue to have faith through what more is to come!