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What Must I Do?
Here I was again. It was Sunday; I was at church; and I knew good and well that I had been highly symptomatic as of late...
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The Tapestry of Healing
I spent approximately seven months trying to find a doctor who would believe something was wrong with me. It took ten more months for me to no longer be questioned by the medical community, and still over another year to convince the federal government that I was sick enough to be disabled. After almost three years of fighting for my health, I was finally free to rest, recover, and heal. Except I couldn’t. Not fully at least. You spend almost three years trying to convince the world that something is wrong and see how easy it is to stop. My mind had become used to a constant repeat, reciting my…
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Embracing the Thorn in My Flesh
Sunday morning. 9:30 am. My shoulder is hurting so badly that I can’t even touch up the paint on my nails without feeling the pain shoot down my arm. I think to myself that it will be another Sunday where I’m once again just the girl who needs a healing. I wonder when the day will come that I will be able to go to church for the same reason any “normal” person goes. Worship begins. I alternate hands between praising God and holding onto the chair in front of me until I know my balance can be trusted. Focus. Focus on God. It seems I pray that more than…
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Count It All Joy
Earlier this month, I had my second brain surgery. I’ll save the details for another post, but overall it went very well. One might even go as far as to say it was successful – I haven’t had any high pressure symptoms since. The recovery process on the other hand was a different story. While on the surface, all is technically going well, there’s still so much more to recovery that never seems to be seen or heard. Take the post-surgery depression for example. In all honesty, I don’t even want to call it that because I know how much worse it could truly be. There is just no doubt…
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A Strange Way of Healing
Last month, I relapsed. What I thought would end as beautiful memories of the zoo and park with my family turned out to be days of pain and pressure. I overdid it, and I relapsed. You may be wondering how that can be. What happened to being healed? Trust me, I was asking God the same thing. I knew I couldn’t doubt what God had promised, but was I expected to ignore the way I was feeling? There was certainly no doubt there when it came to the stiff inflammation building in my back. There was no ignoring the pressure pushing on my eyes and tightening my neck. How could…
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By His Stripes, I Am Healed
To say it was a Sunday like any other would be a lie. In truth, I should have realized something was different early on. Though my husband made no comment to me, he didn’t even want to go to church that morning. Even I lacked the usual energy and excitement that I usually had in going to my place of freedom. The music didn’t reach me the same. I barely sang, and I could only manage a sway while everyone danced and clapped around me. I still had no idea of what was to come. Though my body was only a few feet from the alter, my mind was elsewhere.…
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My Shunt Surgery – Healing
Apparently when my neurosurgery team told me, “If you feel anything at all, let us know.” They meant, “It can take even eight weeks before your body adjusts to the shunt.” So by three weeks post-surgery, I was back at the hospital once again begging for relief. As I stood hunched against the corner of the elevator trying to stretch out the pressure, who do you think was to enter the elevator that Friday morning but my neurologist – my God-sent angel – the only one who could ever convince my neurosurgeons to help me. And despite ridiculous feuds with my neurosurgery team that day, my shunt was adjusted and…
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A Chosen Vessel
Do you ever wonder why you have to go through the trials that you do? Do you question God, wanting to know what you did to deserve this? Wanting to know what He is trying to show you? I know I used to. I used to beg Him to tell me why I was so sick. Even when He told me I was healed in His eyes, here as in Heaven, I still needed to know the reason for this ever happening to me. I needed to know how, in man’s eyes, here on earth, I was supposed to use this. My first thought was that it was punishment for…
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The Search for Healing
There is one thing that I never understood. If God has the power to heal me, why hasn’t He? God, you said that if I had faith so small as a mustard seed, I could move mountains. Surely, I have more faith than that! So why won’t you heal me? I can’t tell you how many times I pleaded with God to remove my sickness. How many times I begged Him to just take it all away, to at least let me find a medication that brought relief! So why wouldn’t He? When I first started developing Intracranial Hypertension, I was filled with nothing but anger and bitterness at what…
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Looking for an Answer
So many times, I find myself asking God for a yes or no answer. I just want a clear, simple answer. When I am going through something, and I am praying for help, I wish so bad that God could be like a magic eight ball. I wish I could just ask my question, say my request, shake my magic eight ball of God, and have the answer just appear before me. But then I realized, that is my flesh. A magic eight ball is made with only twenty answers inside. That worldly toy is limited to only twenty answers it can give you. It’s origins are not even of…
