Where Do You Draw the Line?

Have you ever been in so much pain that you would do anything to make it go away? Has life ever been so terrible that you would sacrifice anything to God if He would just make it stop?

I’ve been there. I know.

When 2018 hit, my surrounding world felt as if it was crawling all over me like ants. I wanted so badly to shake everything off. The pain. The depression. The sickness. The worry. He could have whatever He wanted; Just heal me!

Things started small at first. I ran to Him on every bad day and went back to my old world on every good day. Eventually, most days were bad days, leaving me begging to no end.

My husband was feeling the heaviness around us as well. The darkness closed in on him even when I wasn’t around to be his burden. He knew the same as I did, we had to decide – would we stay cold or hot?

So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth. – Revelation 3:16

One summer morning, my husband woke me up before he left for work, “If you’re feeling ok today, go through your books and set aside anything that you know isn’t right.”

I knew what he meant. Walking into the living room, I saw that all of his collectables were gone. And who knows what else. All I knew was that he had stayed up half the night following through with his own convictions. There was no need to question anything.

Again, however, I started small. My books were my own form of “collectables”, and a few stood out immediately that I knew weren’t of God. Books I knew I should have never bought in the first place. Other than the fact that my library now looked slightly less impressive in size, those were easy to set aside.

And they sat there. For several days, we walked past them, their covers staring me in the face, reminding me of what I had once filled myself with.

That weekend, pain and sickness hit hard. Tired of spending hours upon hours in bed, I made my way to the living room and buckled on the floor against the couch. My husband had learned to let me be invisible to do what I had to do.

But I could feel it still. Ants crawling all over me. Sin surrounding me, hindering me from being the clean, healed slate I wanted so desperately to be.

Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. – Proverbs 28:13

In tears, I went back to my bookshelf to see what else could still be there that I had missed. Nearly all of them cried out to me.

If it wasn’t the book, it was the sinful life of the author. How could I have any of that in my life? How could I even keep any other book at all that didn’t support and strengthen my relationship with Christ?

Book after book, I pulled them off the shelf. My husband was right there filling them up in a box.

I was sobbing uncontrollably. Every single time I went back for more, the pain and pressure within my body would surge. It was obvious that the devil was growing furious with what we were doing.

So we kept doing it.

I couldn’t believe how much of an emotional attachment I had built with such materialistic, worldly things. Why did it hurt so bad to let go?

My husband told me, “Now you know why I didn’t want to talk about the other night.”

These were my memories. These books had filled so much of my life. They occupied my mind when the world felt like it was falling apart around me. They were my trophies, rewards to show how much I had accomplished in the world of learning and art.

But I knew, I couldn’t take them with me. I knew, it was either all or none, hot or cold.

If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. – Galations 5:25

I couldn’t grasp it at the time, but by having these books fill my life, I was leaving no time or room for God to fill my life. Instead of reading and studying the one Book of Life He gave us, to help fully equip me for these days, I was filling my mind with the world.

At the same time, these books had become my idols. These were no trophies on a shelf. These were for nothing but bragging. This is where I thought true knowledge came from.

I was so wrong. But even then, I had no idea. For months to come, I mourned for what I had sacrificed.

From then on, my husband and I kept the same prayer for God to break our hearts for what breaks His. If there was any sin in our life, anything wrong in our home, let it cry out to us. We had made our decision, we could no longer be lukewarm.

When it comes to following God while living in the world, people often wonder exactly where are you supposed to draw the line. Why the books? Why the music? Why the movies?

But let me tell you, this isn’t about the books. This is about anything that is filling up your body and mind to where Christ can’t. This is about what type of lifestyle you are representing. And it involves a lifelong desire to change.

In Matthew 12, Christ said you are either for Him or against Him. Your mouth will speak what your heart is full of, and when the judgement day comes, you will have to give an account for every empty word you have spoken. Do not let your heart be full of empty words. Aim for the fullness of Christ.