“But You Don’t Look Sick.”

Do I look sick to you?

Odds are I don’t. But I am living with an invisible illness. I am living with chronic pain.

Do you know what unusual mentality comes along with being chronically ill? Paranoia.

“But you don’t look sick.” Is a phrase so commonly used among the sick that we begin to question it ourselves.

What if it is all in my head? What if it’s really not so bad? What if I could hold a job right now? What if I really didn’t need to cancel plans today? Maybe I’m not that sick after all. How can I be if I don’t look it? I even sort of feel normal today.

But I didn’t look sick…

When I first got sick, I ignored it. I ignored it till I couldn’t anymore because I was only becoming worse. So instead, I hid it. I continued going to work, clenching my teeth through the pain as I helped clients. Crying out to God the moment I got in my car. Running home on my lunch break for a quick shower to relieve the pain so that I could finish up the rest of the workday.

When I could no longer hide it, I still refused to accept it as my fate. I still continued to work, missing day after day as I sought answers and relief. I still tried to do the things I used to do, spend time with my baby like I wanted, and let my body just pay for it later.

I never looked sick. My smile might go away. My eyes would change slightly. Only those closest to me could tell by those insignificant details. Strangers assumed I was fine. Others assumed I was maybe just a moody person. And then I had to quit working.

This is when paranoia first struck.

With chronic illness, you don’t always have just bad days. Sometimes you can still have great days where you can enjoy life again. Sometimes you pay for those days later.

When I lost my job, I was afraid to ever show my good days. I was afraid to ever run into anyone I might know. I was afraid of social media. I was afraid of going out. God forbid someone see me at the grocery store and think I lied about being sick.

It became so bad that I began to worry I was being followed. I began to worry people were spying on me, even the people I had grown so close to. I was afraid to take my baby out for walks in case there were cameras around the property. The paranoia was real.

If I did run into someone I knew, I felt like I had to tell them more about how bad I had been doing than about how good I felt that day. They had to know I wasn’t faking. They had to know I really was sick.

If I came home from the hospital, I wanted people to see the IV bandages around me and the weak state I was in. It wasn’t that I wanted their pity or attention. I just wanted them to see the little proof I had to show that I was sick.

Seeing the Invisible Illnesses

Not all chronic illnesses are visible. My condition leaves no bleeding or bruises. There’s no visible medical equipment. There’s no wheelchair. My few tiny scars aren’t even visible under normal attire. I don’t look sick.

And even when I feel my worst, anyone could easily reenact the same actions. I am not always vomiting uncontrollably. I am not always passing out or convulsing. I am simply just in pain, and there is nothing I can do but grit my teeth and bare it. My illness is invisible.

It has been a little over two years since I first got sick, and I am finally learning to accept my condition for what it is. I have nothing to prove. I have no one to impress. I could care less about making you believe I am sick. I prefer to believe I am healed. And as long as I focus on that belief, my mind will give no room to the worries or paranoia of being chronically, invisibly ill.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

– Philippians 4:6-7

How are you handling your invisible illness?

Let us know in the comments section below & always feel free to reach out!

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