Depression
⊗ Trigger Warning: This following post contains sensitive material about depression and suicidal thoughts. Please proceed with caution. ⊗
Sometimes I feel brave enough to say it. Sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes I feel empowered. I feel stronger. I feel a purpose. And then sometimes I feel nothing but shame.
A woman once said not everything has to be shared. I had hoped this could be one of those things. But not everything that is needed to be said is easy to be said. This is that.
It has been little over a year since I overcame the very lowest part of my life.
But I’m not talking about depression alone.
It takes more than I have in me to finally confess that I am an overcomer of suicidal depression.
Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, – Job 3:20-21
Words alone cannot express the torment that entangles and swallows your mind when you suffer from inescapable pain. When your brain down to your spine literally feel like they’re being pressed by all forces of gravity, and there is no end or relief in sight. No doctors. No medicine. Nothing. Nothing but the feeling of death that never kills you.
You’re surrounded by bottles, waiting and praying for something to finally kick in. Minutes turn to hours, but the next dose seems pointless when the first never even worked to begin with.
Hours turn to days and days to weeks to months. Eventually, you feel that perhaps the medicine may be good for something else.
And this is where I was. If I could only somehow accidentally lose track of the doses. If I could only end this pain once and for all.
I could be free.
What else was left for me? We had tried everything. Brain surgery was our last hope, and even it had failed. You can’t fix a condition with no cause or cure.
How could I continue to live my life this way? Dying every day could not possibly be considered living to begin with. I needed relief. I needed it all to end. I begged for God to take me before I took myself.
What can be so hard for others to understand is how nothing matters at this point. Not your family, not your spouse, not even your own children. When the pain is too bad to even be with them, then what is the point to even being there at all?
It is not that you don’t truly love anyone. It is that the pain leaves no room for any other feeling. All thoughts of them lead you back to thinking about the burden you are. Wouldn’t even their lives be easier without you?
Everything would be so much better for everyone. If only God would take me.
I couldn’t take myself. I knew it was not my life to take but God’s. He would have to do it.
Please, God, just do it.
But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that the message might be preached fully through me, and that all the Gentiles might hear. Also I was delivered out of the mouth of the lion. And the Lord will deliver me from every evil work and preserve me for His heavenly kingdom. To Him be glory forever and ever. Amen! – 2 Timothy 4:17-18
I don’t know the day I came across this Scripture. But I do know it was the moment I realized God was not finished with me, yet. It was when I finally realized that death was not the answer. Deliverance was. But not just for me, for all those like me.
As alone and weak and desperate as I had felt all that time, God was standing with me. God was holding me up, saving me from death. God was strengthening me and giving me the endurance I needed to make it through each wave of pain and torment.
The devil was roaming around my body, soul, and mind, like a roaring lion seeking to devour me, but God shut the lion’s mouth. And because He did it then, I knew He would only continue to do it. He would save me every time. He would preserve me till my time finally came.
God had chosen me to bear the suffering. God had proven His strength in me through it. And now, it was my job to be used fully, to have His message preached to all the world. God did it for me, and He can do it again for you. To Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen!
I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.
– Psalm 40:1-3
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How has God delivered you from the pit of depression?
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2 Comments
Daphne Pappadakis
1st Timothy 4:17 and 18 says it all! He brings us out of darkness into His marvelous light! Praise God for what he’s doing in our lives. I thank him for delivering you from that pit of agony. I’ve been there. Depression & anxiety in my younger years were so severe that I would hope a car hit me when I crossed the street. The car never hit me (which I’m glad!) Now I’m rejoicing. But I always agree and encourage others to reach out. The depression and anxiety that I’ve battled led to self-medicating and severe addiction in my life. There was no answer for that, seemingly no hope. But Jesus was there all along. I glorify him for raising us up, giving us hope and allowing us to reach out and help others who hurt! Love you cousin ❤️
April Normand
Thank you so much for sharing your story! And I praise God with you for delivering you from the hold that the devil tried to have on you. Greater is He who has overcome the world than anything that is in this world that tries to harm us! And I thank Him even more that you are using your testimony of deliverance to help others! Love you so much!