How I’ve Healed

Roughly one year ago, I shared a post about healing called “What Must I Do?” It was one of many on the subject, as naturally it comes with the package of chronic illness.

In that post, I talked about how my chronic illness journey has a beginning but no end, which is ok because God is the beginning and the end. But I also shared how that sort of leaves me feeling stuck in the middle, in this limbo of being both well and ill.

I thought of a life in the middle, and part of me was ok with it because I knew Jesus was here with me. Immediately, a song came to mind: “Jesus at the Center” (by Israel & New Breed).

Suddenly, it no longer mattered if I am in the middle because I know Jesus is, too.

Finding My Identity in Christ

For years, in the medical world, I’ve been known as “the girl with the headaches”. In church, I’ve been “the girl who needs a healing”. When people know you by something, it’s easy to begin allowing your identity to be shaped by that.

That is, it’s easy in the real world, but it can be hard in the world of faith when we are not supposed to align ourselves with anything that doesn’t align with God’s Word. He says we are healed, and therefore we are. I must declare it and believe it.

But what happens when you do declare and believe you are healed yet still experience symptoms? Then you become “the girl who needs a healing”, and you remain that until you fully and wholly receive it.

The problem with this is, you can believe with all the faith in your being, yet God could still have other plans. (Note, that does not for one second cancel His promise for you.)

In a strange, unfortunate way, it’s almost as if this determination to see completion has actually backfired. It seems as though I have been so set on meeting the religious expectations of others – I’m not healed until I am 100% healed – that it has caused me to lose focus.

How Can I Be Sick & Healed?

Back at one of our old churches, I was prayed over for healing more times than I could count, but one time in particular stood out. It was such a powerful experience that I actually quit all of my medications cold turkey, determined to step into it (read about it here). After service, the pastor’s wife came up to me and told me that when symptoms try to come back, remember and declare, “I am healed.”

Not long after this, I happened to run into somebody who had heard of my horrific medical story. They asked how I had been feeling, and I very uneasily, yet obediently told them word for word as she had instructed, “I am healed.” Their delight immediately made me feel guilty. I wanted so badly to elaborate, as I knew they didn’t understand.

It’s been years since this event, and I always wondered about that conversation. I had just been declared healed, yet immediately after, I was being told what to say when I feel sick. Why would someone say that, and certainly someone of the faith? Were they not believing in the 100%?

Or perhaps this was the first glimpse into what God was trying to show me – my true identity.

Healed Even Still

I am not the girl with the headaches. I am not the girl who needs a healing. I am healed.

I didn’t get to elaborate to that person as I wanted to, but perhaps it was for the best. Because at the time, even I didn’t understand. At that time, I probably would have said, “I am healed, but I still have this symptom and that.”

Now, I realize what it really means: I can say I am healed because I am.

I am healed from blind spots in my eyes. While I was more than once at risk for losing my vision altogether, I can still see.

I am healed from constantly going back to the ER and being admitted to the hospital.

I’m not taking showers at random times of the day or night to relieve pain as frequently.

I don’t always have to take several prescriptions a day.

I can eat pizza without getting a headache (because yes, it’s even in the small wins).

I am no longer waking up every night and every morning in debilitating pain.

I can drive again.

I was able to have another baby.

Yes, I still have symptoms. Yes, I am still legally considered disabled, and yes, my prognosis is still guarded. But that is not who I am, nor is it all my life is meant for.

As a friend so wisely put it, “You can be a victim and still be a survivor.” Another friend pointed out that anytime I don’t feel healed, remember that we don’t always feel saved either.

Temporary earthly feelings do not cancel eternal heavenly realities. No matter how I’m feeling, I believe in the God Who was and is and is to come, and I can stand on His truth that I have been healed from so much, I am healed according to His promise, and I know He’s not finished this good work.