The Truth About Medical Trauma

“I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.” – Anne Frank

There are many reasons I write. Outside of it being my calling, writing can be incredibly therapeutic. Like seeing a therapist, it brings clarity to the situations in my life.

Oftentimes, it can feel as if bees are swarming around in my mind. I can’t think straight, and speaking is almost completely out of the question.

But writing allows for these “bees” to fly out one at a time and land on each page accordingly. It allows me to see every thought laid out where I can sort through them and remove what shouldn’t be there.

But there is one thing I have not written much about. And that is the mental and emotional trauma that comes with chronic illness.

The Truth About Medical PTSD

Though many might not be aware of this, medical post-traumatic stress disorder is a very real thing. Countless people suffer daily from the mental trauma they have had to endure due to their health. While physical issues are often only viewed at the surface, the reality is that the pain goes so much deeper. It also lasts so much longer.

But just because something exists, doesn’t mean you have to claim it as yours.

Medical PTSD is far more than a bad memory. It is not another condition you want to add to your list. In fact, knowing how serious this condition can be, I refuse to speak it over my life at all. I choose to believe my mind is healed just as my body is in Jesus’ Name.

However, this does not exclude the fact that I have endured mental trauma as a result of my physical health spiraling out of control. And I feel it is time this trauma has been brought to light, sorted out like the swarming beehive it is.

I know I’ve shared seemingly more serious things. And some events that were traumatic to me may not even need a “trigger warning” for others. But that’s the thing about trauma. It honestly doesn’t take much to bring you back. From a song to a smell, your mind can switch gears in an instant to relive that awful memory. And it can be really difficult to overcome something when it constantly reappears.

But sometimes the only way to defeat something is to face it.

Living in a Nightmare

In early 2018, my health took a turn for the worst. Day after day went by where I could barely even get out of bed. I struggled with everything from eating to drinking to even breathing, and it seemed as though I was living off of band-aids of medication.

I was constantly in pain. I cannot help you imagine that pain because it is hard for me to even imagine what I had to endure. Words will never do that pain justice.

When I look back, I think of a pain that medicine cannot relieve, that doctors cannot treat. I think of a pain that feels like death but cannot kill you. With all the honesty that is in me, this pain has reached levels that caused my life to flash before my eyes. This pain has caused me to cry out to Jesus with the belief that it would be my final breath, my last chance of salvation before facing eternal judgement.

That is a mentally traumatizing pain. That is a moment that doesn’t simply leave your memory over time.

One of my most traumatizing moments was in between that February and March of 2018. Like most of my days during that time, I had been in pain all day, leaving others to care for my one year old son (and me). My husband had just finished putting our baby to bed and needed to get couple of items for us from the store. As always, he hesitated to leave me, but we figured things couldn’t get any worse.

As he left our apartment, I made my way to our bedroom to continue to rest. And here is where a wave of pain hit me so hard that I fell to my knees. My whole body was being constricted with a pressure of unimaginable levels.

My hands shook as I picked up my phone and hit the first number that came up, my sister.

When she answered the phone, I could only scream one word through my trembling and tears: “Pray!”

Immediately, my sister began crying out in tongues. And I could only crouch there on the ground waiting for it to pass as she prayed over my body from miles away. Surely, I was dying.

Inescapable pain. When you are left with absolutely no choice but to brace through death. That is mental trauma.

 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. – Psalm 107:6

These moments are not easy to share. There is a reason it has been almost three years since I have told this story, despite it seeming so minuscule compared to others. It is not easy for anyone to relive trauma.

But I need to share it. And as with most of my stories, I share this not for pity but for reason. In this particular instance, I share this for three reasons:

1.) To let others know the mentally traumatic effects that can come with a physical illness.

2.) To let others know that you can overcome and grow past those moments that bring you back by talking to others. Speak up. Don’t stay silent. Don’t bear these burdens alone.

3.) To let others know that, spiritually, you are encouraged to ask for help. When Moses spoke up about his disability to God, God encouraged him to have his brother Aaron help him. It brought me relief to ask my sister for help in that moment.

It is ok to speak up. It is ok to ask for help. You are not alone, and you don’t have to go through these moments alone. You can overcome, and by the Blood of the Lamb, you will overcome.