What Are You Afraid Of?

It’s funny. I was the child always terrified of going to the doctor. I was the one who built up major anxiety over visiting the dentist or hospital for a checkup. Who would have thought I would one day have no choice but to overcome my fears.

While I thought pregnancy had cleared me of most fear and humility, I was quickly proven wrong. Although both my epidural and blood patch had caused little pain, I was beyond terrified when it came to getting my first spinal tap.

As symptoms progressed that summer of 2017, I knew the inevitable was coming, and no amount of mental prepping could relieve my fears. Even the name sounded menacing. Of course it didn’t help that I was constantly preparing myself for that moment only to be turned away by the hospital each time.

Fear continued to build until the day finally arrived where I found a team who was willing to help. And I also found out that spinal taps are really not as bad as I had always imagined.

In fact, as time went by with my condition only growing worse, I realized that nothing could ever be as bad as the pain I was already experiencing. How could anything be worse than what feels like death?

And this is when I stopped being afraid… Or so I thought.

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. – Psalm 94:19

June 2018, I entered brain surgery as if it was just another exam. Little research, no preparation, and no fear.

By this point, I was a fighter. A warrior. And I felt that warriors didn’t represent fear. Therefore, I couldn’t feel fear.

But I had the completely wrong definition of fear. While I viewed fear as being a coward, I learned it had roots so much deeper than that.

During this time, God had placed one song in particular on my heart: “Tremble” by Mosaic MSC: “Jesus, Jesus, You make the darkness tremble. Jesus, Jesus, You silence fear.”

But because I felt I had nothing left to fear, I focused only on calling on His name. I overlooked the fact that He has the power to scare away the darkness, the root, the pain, before it can even appear.

So with the first twinge of a symptom, my mind raced to expecting that the worst was about to happen. This fear caused tension and panic that only intensified the pain. Meanwhile, all Jesus wanted me to do was to allow Him to silence the fear from the beginning.

Except I was still determined that fear wasn’t an issue.

I was staying awake as long as possible at night because I didn’t want to wake up in pain.

But I still said I wasn’t afraid.

I was literally worrying myself sick about what would happen to our future because of my condition.

But I still said I wasn’t afraid.

Then he asked them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” – Mark 4:40

I was deceiving myself. I was putting my faith in myself, thinking it was my willpower instead of God’s supernatural power.

I was thinking I was fighting when really it was God fighting for me. I said I didn’t represent fear, when really it was God saying I was not created with a spirit of fear.

And until I could learn to take the focus off of myself and my issues, I would never learn the truth – that I needed Him because it is His perfect love that casts out all fear. (1 John 4:18)

And all fear is more than just cowardice. Fear is doubt. Fear is distrust. It is paranoia, worry, anxiety.

When I finally learned this and accepted that fear truly was an issue, I could then give it up to God for Him to remove it from my life. I could seek Him and study His Word for the protection against fear that had me bound for so long.

But He laid His right hand on me, saying to me, “Do not be afraid; I am the First and the Last. – Revelation 1:17

I prepared myself for battle with Scripture on hand. As the enemy continued to come at me with his usual tactics, I would raise my weapon, “I was not created with a spirit of fear but of power!” (2 Timothy 1:7)

And what is that power? “The power to trample over the serpents and scorpions! The power to trample over all power of the enemy! And nothing by any means shall hurt me!” (Luke 10:19)

When night came, I could lie down in peace because He promised my sleep would be sweet and unfearful. (Proverbs 3:24)

From diving into the Scripture, I not only gained weapons against the enemy, I learned that “Fear Not” is thought to be the most repeated command in the Bible, written over eighty times. I learned of all that God had done for others, regardless of their human fears.

All I had to do was stand on His Word. And His Word says that He promises to never leave you. He promises to never fail you. He will always go before you and fight for you. So how can we be afraid when we know He is right there next to us and within us? (Deuteronomy 31:6)

It became simple: Why fear the world when He has already overcome the world? What can mere man do to you? What can mere flesh do to you? (John 16:33, Psalm 56:4)

So fear not, for He is with you. (Isaiah 41:10)